Nautical experts, scientists and my local barber who knows everything are backing a new revolutionary way for bonny Scotland to reclaim its seas around the country's coast, despite the Engurlish bastards claiming them as British. The plan is to excavate muckle big massive areas of the remote highlands (Grannies in "heilan hames" will be offered compulsory purchase by the local council heavies) to create giant underground caverns at huge deepnesses. An enormous pipe will then be inserted in to the sea off the Scottish coast and the other end of the pipe is to be located at the huge excavations where the gallant and dashingly handsome first minister Mr. Alex Salmond snp, resplendent in his genuine Harry Lauder tartan trews with the bottoms neatly tucked in to his fashionable green wellies, the whole ensemble rakishly topped off with hacking jacket and blue bonnet waits patiently to have this other end of the pipe or "outlet" as we engineers call it, inserted in to his mouth or 'gub' as he colloquially refers to it. He has of course been known to use the expression "facial orifice" when he wants to impress with his extensive vocabulary, he insisted on that bit going in.
The theory is according to the experts is that if wee Eck can suck as hard as he can blaw, the water will be shifted in jig time. Rumour has it that the lovable wee spiv has offered to sell the Americans Loch Lomond using the same method. First refusal they say will be offered to a flamboyant chap with hair like a lions mane in a blizzard called Mr. D Trump with options of Edinboro Castle and The Blarney Stone thrown in as a job lot. The pair have set a date to tour the sites chauffeured by a villainous little mountebank with a broken toothed smile like the tin plate on a coffin called wee holy Sooter, honestly! Mr, Alex wants it known that "he can't say fairer than that can he?" He might be on to something here; he's a right wee bugger for this enterprise culture so he is.
With thanks to my anonymous contributor.